Embarrassed to be me.

When I first decided I would write this blog post I was crying my eyes out driving down the road in the middle of a "Severe Thunderstorm Warning". I feel like I owe it to my boys to explain myself at this point in our lives. Maybe when they get older they will be able to read this and my other blog posts and better understand me. Maybe they will be able to learn from some of my life decisions/mistakes.

I guess this all started with my promise to be home with you this Friday and I ended up working anyway. Not only did I work all day but I broke my promise to come home early to play outside. Then when I did get home I got called away by work and didn't get home until 1am. I was up until 5am listening to the storms, holding onto my phone terrified that roofs were going to leak. Then I slept all morning. When I got up, I was on the phone for work and emailing/texting all day.

I do not like the person I have been recently. I am embarrassed by the mother I have become and I am living with a broken heart. I want my boys to know that I recognize that I haven't been around and it is not by my choice. I'm stuck in a place in my life where no matter how hard I work I can't catch up and I can't get home.

I tell myself everyday that in a a couple of weeks it will get better, Friday I will try and get home early or tomorrow I won't get worked up that we are running late. But those things never happen. As hard as I try I can never keep my promises.

I guess I want this to be an apology to my boys:

I am sorry you are in daycare for 11 1/2 hours a day.
I am sorry that I make you wake up so early and then get angry that you are moving slow.
I am sorry that I break every promise I make to you because I can never ever getting my work done.
I am sorry that I am distracted by my phone when I am at home.
I am sorry that I ruin every fun thing we do together as a family with work.

...I wish we had the opportunity to live our lives different. I can't continue to live like this. I don't have it in me. My heart is broken. When my boys are grown I know I am going to be embarrassed by this point in our lives. I am already.