I pray that I can do better

This week I have been kicking around the idea of getting a tattoo at the base of my thumb of a cross or Chi Rho just because I feel like I need to constantly be a in a state of prayer or else I just can't be the person I need to be. In particular I am trying very hard to pray to be a better mother and better wife.

What a day! We were supposed to go to Baltimore to see Jessica this week but due to a number things not coming together it didn't happen. But I already had the days off so I decided I would spend Today and tomorrow with Jack and Nicholas (best idea ever!).

We started with reading a book in Jack's bed (all 3 of us) then came down and ate breakfast picnic style in the family room. We went and got Daddy's Oil changed (went 3 places before Mommy was happy with the price and waiting time).

Next we went to Sharonwoods and had a real picnic with salami and cheese sandwiches, watermellon and ginger ale.

Next we got our swim shorts on and played in the water. The had a creek with pretend fossils.

Then we played in the fountain both Nicholas and Jack had so much fun.

Jack wasn't feel 100% today so he sat out for a little bit and warmed up.

Nicholas played on the playground. He thought the 2-5 year old playground was a little below him and quickly moved on to the big kid playground.

Nicholas and Jack both posed for pictures on the Saber Tooth.

Then we went for a paddle boat ride. Please keep in mind I was by myself with these guys, it was windy and neither one could agree with me on which way to go, my legs hurt.

After a 30 minute or so ride we decided to go back to the dock and head home. Both boys fell asleep on the way home but once they got up we bummed around on the couch, watched hook, cleaned the house and made dinner.

We even found time after dinner for Nicholas to practice riding his two wheeler (he does awesome). Jack is trying to feel better, which is good because we have another special stay home day tomorrow.

Go tell John, I am so grateful for these boys and the special times I have with them.

Todays Gospel

Matthew 7: 21 - 29
21	"Not every one who says to me, `Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
22	On that day many will say to me, `Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?'
23	And then will I declare to them, `I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers.'
24	"Every one then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock;
25	and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.
26	And every one who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand;
27	and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell; and great was the fall of it."
28	And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching,
29	for he taught them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes.

Today is a better day.

Woke up today to Nicholas and Jack playing on their own in their rooms. I could hear their little feet running back and forth from room to room. Nicholas was wispering directions to Jack and he was accepting them. They were giggling then fighting but mostly giggling. Then Jack came in and whispered in my face that he needed a hug, I was happy to comply.

I got up around 8 and collected the boys in their double stroller. We went for a walk around the block and we talked.  Nicholas asked if today was a school day or a Church day, I told him Church day. He was happy with that answer.  We talked about the birds and the houses. We talked about Cars (the movie) and Sandlot (the movie). We talked about Christmas and Santa and before we knew it we were back at the house. 




Now we are watching Phineas and Ferb on Disney and I am feeling much better than I did last night.

Sundays make me feel better about myself and my family. Its Pentecost Sunday so I am excited to hear the Homily this week. I can completely relate to the excitement the Apostles had to have felt. They must have been so eager to get out and spread the news of Christ but at the same time terrified what their fate might be. I can only imagine how validated they must have felt when Jesus came to them and gave them their marching orders.

I feel like I am waiting in that dark room with the door shut myself. I am unsure of my fate but ready and eager to do God's will, I just need some discernment. I just need some patience.

Go tell John, today is a better day.

Pentecost Sunday

John 20: 19 - 23
19	On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being shut where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you."
20	When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord.
21	Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I send you."
22	And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit.
23	If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained."

Embarrassed to be me.

When I first decided I would write this blog post I was crying my eyes out driving down the road in the middle of a "Severe Thunderstorm Warning". I feel like I owe it to my boys to explain myself at this point in our lives. Maybe when they get older they will be able to read this and my other blog posts and better understand me. Maybe they will be able to learn from some of my life decisions/mistakes.

I guess this all started with my promise to be home with you this Friday and I ended up working anyway. Not only did I work all day but I broke my promise to come home early to play outside. Then when I did get home I got called away by work and didn't get home until 1am. I was up until 5am listening to the storms, holding onto my phone terrified that roofs were going to leak. Then I slept all morning. When I got up, I was on the phone for work and emailing/texting all day.

I do not like the person I have been recently. I am embarrassed by the mother I have become and I am living with a broken heart. I want my boys to know that I recognize that I haven't been around and it is not by my choice. I'm stuck in a place in my life where no matter how hard I work I can't catch up and I can't get home.

I tell myself everyday that in a a couple of weeks it will get better, Friday I will try and get home early or tomorrow I won't get worked up that we are running late. But those things never happen. As hard as I try I can never keep my promises.

I guess I want this to be an apology to my boys:

I am sorry you are in daycare for 11 1/2 hours a day.
I am sorry that I make you wake up so early and then get angry that you are moving slow.
I am sorry that I break every promise I make to you because I can never ever getting my work done.
I am sorry that I am distracted by my phone when I am at home.
I am sorry that I ruin every fun thing we do together as a family with work.

...I wish we had the opportunity to live our lives different. I can't continue to live like this. I don't have it in me. My heart is broken. When my boys are grown I know I am going to be embarrassed by this point in our lives. I am already.

Todays Gospel

Matthew 10: 7 - 13
7	And preach as you go, saying, `The kingdom of heaven is at hand.'
8	Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying, give without pay.
9	Take no gold, nor silver, nor copper in your belts,
10	no bag for your journey, nor two tunics, nor sandals, nor a staff; for the laborer deserves his food.
11	And whatever town or village you enter, find out who is worthy in it, and stay with him until you depart.
12	As you enter the house, salute it.
13	And if the house is worthy, let your peace come upon it; but if it is not worthy, let your peace return to you.

Garage Sale, Reds Game, Swimming - Its SUMMER!

Yesterday we were very very busy! 

We started the day at 5 am when Jack woke up. Well, Friday the boys spent the afternoon with Grandma and that wiped them out so Jack slept 10 hours straight, unfortunately the 10 hours stopped at 5am! So we started with some cuddling and then we got some shoes on and were at the grocery and back by 7:45am.  

That was perfect timing because our garage sale started at 8.

The boys played outside all morning. They were good for the most part and we made nearly $300.00 at the garage sale.  The best part is that we made a ton of room in our storage area!

Then we went to the Reds game. Unfortunately there was an accident on 75 so it took us nearly 2 hours to get down there. But luckily we got our free reds hats and we were able to make it just in time. As we were going in I let the boys pick one $10 item from the Pro Shop.  Jack picked a Joey Votto Bat and Nicholas picked a pair of Reds' Socks. The kid LOVES clothes. He is still wearing the socks.

Once Nicholas realized we were playing the Dodgers he decided that "I love the Dodgers and the Reds the same" (because Benny the Jet Rodriguez played for the Dodgers, he loves the Sand Lot). So he was cheering for whoever was batting. At one point he told me that "when I grow up and I play baseball for a team I am going to play hitter". Apparently we need to better explain the Offence/Deffense aspects of the game. 

We had a great time at the game. We got to see JV hit a Home Run! It was so cool to see Nicholas clapping and shouting. Jack was a little startled by all of the excitement but he still gave some enthusiastic thumbs up.

In the car Jack and Nicholas got into a fight over the wooden bat and Jack took the bat to the nose. We had to pull over on 50 and deal with Blood EVERYWHERE, but after a little cleanup, some ice and a Snapple we were on our way.

After the game we dropped off some coolers to our SHS friends the Williams'. They invited us to stay for a bit and swim and we don't turn down an invitation to swim! So we got to see our friends Hope and Carson and we made some new friends Gavin and David.

So we knocked off 2  (#17 go to a Reds game and #18 go swimming) more of our summer resolution items leaving only 27 more!

Today's Gospel Reading - HBD Church!

Matthew 28: 16 - 20
16	Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them.
17	And when they saw him they worshiped him; but some doubted.
18	And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
19	Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
20	teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, to the close of the age."