Waiting to Move 2 - Who am I

This is the second installment of  "Waiting to move" a reflection I wrote in March of 2015.  Although some of these feelings have subsided most of them are still here. 

In yesterday's reflection Waiting to Move I reference the mourning of my old life - I think this part gives more insight.  Its 11:00 am and I think I've spent most of this morning either in tears or fighting them.  When my husband left for work this morning it quickly hit me that I truly am a Stay at Home Mom. I can't decide if my emotions are from happiness or sadness. I remember when I graduated from high school I felt this way - relieved and happy but sad and reminiscent. I guess I just have a hard time with transition and finding my true self in the change. 

I think this song from Mercy Me really puts to music how I'm feeling right now.

Who am I?

I don’t think I’ve asked myself this question recently. I remember being in the 8^th grade right before I made the final decision to go to Seton for High School and switch soccer teams I had asked myself this question. I also asked it my Sophomore year of high school, as the year ended and I was making the decision to live my life differently. Then again in college as I chose my fourth major. That might have been the last time.

When Nick asked me to marry him, with each job I’ve held or even having each of my babies I never had to ask this question. I knew who I was. How I identified myself had evolved throughout the years but I always felt like I could identify me.

When we made the decision for Nick to take a new job within his company and move out of town we made decisions that went beyond selling our house and moving over 100 miles away. Moving from Cincinnati meant that we would be moving away from our families and our support system. As a family with two working parents we rely a lot on our family network for last minute babysitters, carpools and general support. Moving away would require me to stay home – working would mean a 40+ week job that makes enough money for the boys to be in daycare and Catholic schools. The thought of doing that in a city with no family support seems impossible.

This is why I am asking myself “who am I?”

Over the past 10 years I have come to identify myself in a number of ways – wife, mother, volunteer and worker.  When my grandmother passed away in 2004 I remember Father Jack identifying her in a number of different ways – wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, friend… but what he said was the most complete and best way to identify her was as a Catholic woman. I’m sure every person feels like there are moments in their lives that lasted forever, words that echo in their ears. That was one of those moments for me. I thought to myself, “If I could be remembered in any particular way that is how I want to be remembered.”

So “who am I?” – While I identify myself as a Catholic woman, I’m not sure, that is how I will be remembered.  As my identity has evolved I continue to wear the badges I’ve earned on my “Catholic woman vest” like a Girl Scout.

“This is my mom badge, it has 4 blue stars around it because I’ve had 4 boys.”

“This one with the rings is my wife badge and that one that looks like me patting myself on the back is my volunteer badge.”

“But these, these are my pride and joy. These are my work badges. This one shows the time I spent selling telecom it’s a phone being blown up because I always blew-up my sales goals. And this one is from when I worked in roofing it’s of a woman breaking through a glass ceiling and through a roof because of the records and improvements I made with the company I was working for. And this, this one is the best of all it’s the silhouette of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton it represents the work I’ve done in my current job – the last four years of building a team, meeting and breaking goals. Making a Catholic Education at Seton accessible for every young woman.”

My badges alone show you how I’ve identified myself. Over the past 8 years I have been okay with my half-@$$ed attempt at being a good wife and mediocre display of being a mom because I have been an awesome worker. At work I’ve been able to give 110%...and why shouldn’t I? At work you are rewarded for your extra hard work, people tell you how great you are and you see the fruits of your labor immediately. Being a good wife and a good mommy is so much harder, even when you are doing things right you still have someone yelling at you. It’s exhausting and never ending.

Yet, I have always wanted to be a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) and even more a Home School Mom.  Still, today as I am faced with everything I have ever wanted becoming a reality I am terrified. Terrified, because I don’t know who I am – or at the very least I’m not confident in who I am. 

I’m not confident that I can provide these little boys with all of the love and patience that they deserve all day, every day. Not sure that I can be the mother and teacher that they need to prepare them for the rest of their lives. Uncertain that I can guide them to become the young men of Christ that I know they can be.

What I lack in motherly instinct or natural ability I hope to make up for in faith. I am committed to providing these boys with an authentic Catholic home full of love – love for them and love of Christ. Maybe through prayer and love we might be able to survive their childhoods together.  Then at the end of my life they just might remember me the way I identify myself as a Catholic wife and mother.

Because, really just being me a wife and mother is good enough.