Happy 4th of July!

Nicholas and Jack have been sick the last week or so and it has really been weighing on me. Everytime they get just a little sick and not better right away I get so worried, so much anxiety.

So Friday morning, Nicholas woke up with a weird cough, his lips were blue and he couldn't catch a breath. I didn't know what to do so I packed him up in the car and took him to the ER. Saturday morning he seamed even worse, had a strider with everybreath and his heart seemed to be racing. We took him to the doctor and got a Rx. That night was the worst of all with a higher fever and getting sick. But when he woke up Sunday morning. He was so much better. And I feel a lot better about it. I was really worried.

So with Nicholas feeling better we went to mass (which was its own story) and came home to take naps. Then we went out and celebrated Independence Day.

 We started in Downtown Lebanon with some icecream from Whit's.

 Nicholas chose a chocolate covered Banana.

 He wasn't in the best mood, but he was a trooper.

 "Happy Birthday 'Merica"

 Jack got his face painted with pink and blue fireworks (he chose the colors)

 Jack wanted to make sure the little ones got their share of cornmeal. Nicholas wanted to make sure he got some hand sanitizer.

 Snow Cones.

 Jack in his cape and mask, watching th fireworks on the back porch.

Nicholas was more concerned about "Lemonade Mouth" than watching fireworks. But I was just happy to have him up and hanging out with us so I didn't mind.

At mass our guest priest talked in his homily about "wearing a yolk for Jesus" the yolk is our burden to love. What an easy request to fill. All we have to do is love and live with love.

Go tell John, Happy 4th of July!

Today's Gospel Reading

Matthew 25: 31 - 46
31	"When the Son of man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne.
32	Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate them one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats,
33	and he will place the sheep at his right hand, but the goats at the left.
34	Then the King will say to those at his right hand, `Come, O blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world;
35	for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36	I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.'
37	Then the righteous will answer him, `Lord, when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink?
38	And when did we see thee a stranger and welcome thee, or naked and clothe thee?
39	And when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee?'
40	And the King will answer them, `Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.'
41	Then he will say to those at his left hand, `Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels;
42	for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,
43	I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.'
44	Then they also will answer, `Lord, when did we see thee hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to thee?'
45	Then he will answer them, `Truly, I say to you, as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me.'
46	And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

I pray that I can do better

This week I have been kicking around the idea of getting a tattoo at the base of my thumb of a cross or Chi Rho just because I feel like I need to constantly be a in a state of prayer or else I just can't be the person I need to be. In particular I am trying very hard to pray to be a better mother and better wife.

What a day! We were supposed to go to Baltimore to see Jessica this week but due to a number things not coming together it didn't happen. But I already had the days off so I decided I would spend Today and tomorrow with Jack and Nicholas (best idea ever!).

We started with reading a book in Jack's bed (all 3 of us) then came down and ate breakfast picnic style in the family room. We went and got Daddy's Oil changed (went 3 places before Mommy was happy with the price and waiting time).

Next we went to Sharonwoods and had a real picnic with salami and cheese sandwiches, watermellon and ginger ale.

Next we got our swim shorts on and played in the water. The had a creek with pretend fossils.

Then we played in the fountain both Nicholas and Jack had so much fun.

Jack wasn't feel 100% today so he sat out for a little bit and warmed up.

Nicholas played on the playground. He thought the 2-5 year old playground was a little below him and quickly moved on to the big kid playground.

Nicholas and Jack both posed for pictures on the Saber Tooth.

Then we went for a paddle boat ride. Please keep in mind I was by myself with these guys, it was windy and neither one could agree with me on which way to go, my legs hurt.

After a 30 minute or so ride we decided to go back to the dock and head home. Both boys fell asleep on the way home but once they got up we bummed around on the couch, watched hook, cleaned the house and made dinner.

We even found time after dinner for Nicholas to practice riding his two wheeler (he does awesome). Jack is trying to feel better, which is good because we have another special stay home day tomorrow.

Go tell John, I am so grateful for these boys and the special times I have with them.

Todays Gospel

Matthew 7: 21 - 29
21	"Not every one who says to me, `Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
22	On that day many will say to me, `Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?'
23	And then will I declare to them, `I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers.'
24	"Every one then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house upon the rock;
25	and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.
26	And every one who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house upon the sand;
27	and the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell; and great was the fall of it."
28	And when Jesus finished these sayings, the crowds were astonished at his teaching,
29	for he taught them as one who had authority, and not as their scribes.

Today is a better day.

Woke up today to Nicholas and Jack playing on their own in their rooms. I could hear their little feet running back and forth from room to room. Nicholas was wispering directions to Jack and he was accepting them. They were giggling then fighting but mostly giggling. Then Jack came in and whispered in my face that he needed a hug, I was happy to comply.

I got up around 8 and collected the boys in their double stroller. We went for a walk around the block and we talked.  Nicholas asked if today was a school day or a Church day, I told him Church day. He was happy with that answer.  We talked about the birds and the houses. We talked about Cars (the movie) and Sandlot (the movie). We talked about Christmas and Santa and before we knew it we were back at the house. 




Now we are watching Phineas and Ferb on Disney and I am feeling much better than I did last night.

Sundays make me feel better about myself and my family. Its Pentecost Sunday so I am excited to hear the Homily this week. I can completely relate to the excitement the Apostles had to have felt. They must have been so eager to get out and spread the news of Christ but at the same time terrified what their fate might be. I can only imagine how validated they must have felt when Jesus came to them and gave them their marching orders.

I feel like I am waiting in that dark room with the door shut myself. I am unsure of my fate but ready and eager to do God's will, I just need some discernment. I just need some patience.

Go tell John, today is a better day.

Pentecost Sunday

John 20: 19 - 23
19	On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being shut where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you."
20	When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples were glad when they saw the Lord.
21	Jesus said to them again, "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I send you."
22	And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and said to them, "Receive the Holy Spirit.
23	If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained."

Embarrassed to be me.

When I first decided I would write this blog post I was crying my eyes out driving down the road in the middle of a "Severe Thunderstorm Warning". I feel like I owe it to my boys to explain myself at this point in our lives. Maybe when they get older they will be able to read this and my other blog posts and better understand me. Maybe they will be able to learn from some of my life decisions/mistakes.

I guess this all started with my promise to be home with you this Friday and I ended up working anyway. Not only did I work all day but I broke my promise to come home early to play outside. Then when I did get home I got called away by work and didn't get home until 1am. I was up until 5am listening to the storms, holding onto my phone terrified that roofs were going to leak. Then I slept all morning. When I got up, I was on the phone for work and emailing/texting all day.

I do not like the person I have been recently. I am embarrassed by the mother I have become and I am living with a broken heart. I want my boys to know that I recognize that I haven't been around and it is not by my choice. I'm stuck in a place in my life where no matter how hard I work I can't catch up and I can't get home.

I tell myself everyday that in a a couple of weeks it will get better, Friday I will try and get home early or tomorrow I won't get worked up that we are running late. But those things never happen. As hard as I try I can never keep my promises.

I guess I want this to be an apology to my boys:

I am sorry you are in daycare for 11 1/2 hours a day.
I am sorry that I make you wake up so early and then get angry that you are moving slow.
I am sorry that I break every promise I make to you because I can never ever getting my work done.
I am sorry that I am distracted by my phone when I am at home.
I am sorry that I ruin every fun thing we do together as a family with work.

...I wish we had the opportunity to live our lives different. I can't continue to live like this. I don't have it in me. My heart is broken. When my boys are grown I know I am going to be embarrassed by this point in our lives. I am already.