Waiting to Move

 This post was written in March 2015, it took me a while to decide to post it. Included are some pictures from when we were waiting to move.

It was October, I think. I was sitting on the ottoman in our family room putting my boots on (or maybe taking them off, because I don’t remember going anywhere after this conversation). Nick and I were having our usual casual conversation. How was your day? How did that meeting go? Are you going to make dinner? When he said the words that I had been hoping for and dreading for the past year.

Nick: “Well, it looks like Columbus might become a reality”

Me: “Okay”

Nick: “Is it okay?”

Me: “Yeah, whatever we need to do, we will make it work”

Just like that. Such an important conversation began and ended. After all, we knew this day might come. Nick had been working towards this training program for years and after making it into this year’s class we knew that becoming a branch manager was only a matter of time. And, we knew that this promotion could move us out of Cincinnati. Away from the job that I love. Away from the beautiful house we had just built. Away from our friends and most importantly our families.

But, nothing was for certain. This was just an opportunity that might become a reality. He still hadn’t completed his training program and the job wasn’t offered to him. Still, it was plain to see, this was happening.

October went on as if that huge conversation had never happened. Oh, we talked about it all of the time. There were a lot of “ifs” but no “whens”. We spoke in half sentences trying to keep the boys from figuring out what might be on the horizon but at the same time we started to feel them out on what they would think about a move and some changes.

I must have known that this move would become a reality because I soon began to mourn the inevitable loss of my current life. The hardest part was kind of knowing that this stage of our lives would soon (but not sure how soon) be gone and not knowing what the next stage would be.

 

I called my aunt who I look to as not only a spiritual guide but also Catholic role model.  I spilled it all out to her. Everything that was supposed to be a secret, I told her.  How this promotion would allow me to stay home with my boys – something I always thought I wanted but I was terrified that I would lose my identity. How I knew this would break my mom’s heart and I didn’t know how I could possibly tell her that I’m taking her baby boys away, when we had just got here.  How this was just in the talking phase and I didn’t even know how or when or even if it was actually going to happen.

She listened. She was encouraging. And she gave me the best advice she possibly could. She said “Remember the changing of the leaves. Sometimes we just want to know the outcome, get past the waiting, and the working and hurting and get to the good stuff. But we have to remember the changing of the leaves. Remember how the leaves change.”

 

Wow, I can’t tell you how many times over the past 6 months this image has played over in my head. How many times in a moment of weakness did I ask God to tell me what the outcome would be? How many times have I said “If I can just make it past Christmas” or “I can’t wait for this baby to come.”  How many times I had wished for time to move faster.

Instead of giving me the answers, or fast forwarding me to the day of my choice. He gave me the leaves. The soccer tournaments. The snow days. My uncle’s death and funeral Mass. Our last Christmas in our beautiful house. The lazy Saturday mornings. Feeling this baby moving inside me. Cuddles and kisses and even the dog has grown on me…

So, I’ll take the changing leaves. The times in between. Our new life as a family will soon begin in another city, but the most important thing is we will be together, as a family.